We are pleased to inform all of you that the remains of the thingy in the crisper drawer have been laid to rest. We buried them on Saturday—it was a beautiful service; Aaron performed the memorial service as he ran to the dumpster with his hand over his nose, and I gave the eulogy while bending over the now empty gunk-encrusted crisper drawer with a bottle of straight ammonia and a bucket of hot water.

For those wishing to express their sympathy, the family of (what we think used to be) the head of lettuce requests in lieu of flowers that you make a monetary donation to their favorite charity: the Birchler Foundation. They would like to thank you all for your support during this trying time; it has been much appreciated.